You’re living under control. You try to say no, but they insist, “Yes, you should.” They express their emotions to you, so from a young age, I’m afraid of dealing with people’s emotions, including my own.
When I talk about everything, like “I’m feeling sick”, or ask about something, like “Where is that?” They always try to say something like, “It’s your problem, you made yourself bad,” or “You made this disappear, you made this become bad.” In their words, it’s always my fault, never theirs. I feel bad about that, even though I know it’s not my problem. I don’t want to replay it, so my brain filters out their words so quickly.
In my case, it’s so hard for me to become transparent (I would say I am quite true to real friends, yes humans are multifaceted).
To prevent hearing bad things they say towards me,
from a young age I tried to speak as little as possible, and I lied almost every time. So of course, I can’t tell them any of my “not normal” experiences during these months as an exchange student. I would fake it sometimes, but most of the time I prefer to say nothing.
I feel bad when writing this. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but I don’t know why it triggers me at some point. Maybe I’m just too sensitive.
Don’t try to compare happiness between different places you’ve stayed, you’ll always feel misfortune. I’m more emotionally unstable in Hong Kong.
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