Author: caelyn

Classes started to be a bit interesting today. I am busy in a certain way, headache, not very productive at all. But I feel fulfilled and feel good. The feeling is familiar, it didn’t exist when I was in Canada. I like being kinda productive, but why didn’t I have this feeling in Canada. A good question worth thinking about it. Maybe cuz I feel like thousand of things I need to do every day (not really I think).

Moved in to the dorm today, hope to meet some kind and nice people. I need to clean the wardrobes and think about what extra things I need to bring from my home. Got a new French textbook, need to study the things from previous semester which I went on exchange and missed them.

My to-do list is still long, there are more things to add day by day. I’m lazy to tidy up my room tho.

Keep connecting with friends for lunch or dinner, not gonna lie Hong Kong people are super efficient, fast reply speed, talk about schedule, clear and firm , plan ahead, fix the exact time and venue, immediately, added it to the schedule, not something “we will see”. This feels good. I feel like I have became more improvising because of Canada hahaha, can’t believe I would think that : let’s confirm it one day before! but cuz my class schedule is ugly so I am really not sure the time lol. 

A question pops up, what has Canada changed about me? In so many ways, how I perceive the world, how I act in daily life right now. Everything is still same here but feels a little bit different. I feel like I am more “disciplined” (in a good way, not being lazy and doom scrolling when I have free time) and I initiate to do some tasks more often, like I would think about what exact thing I need to work on soon. Mmm… it’s worth writing a post about..

Writing blog for daily updates? Hello it’s fun.

You’re living under control. You try to say no, but they insist, “Yes, you should.” They express their emotions to you, so from a young age, I’m afraid of dealing with people’s emotions, including my own.

When I talk about everything, like “I’m feeling sick”, or ask about something, like “Where is that?” They always try to say something like, “It’s your problem, you made yourself bad,” or “You made this disappear, you made this become bad.” In their words, it’s always my fault, never theirs. I feel bad about that, even though I know it’s not my problem. I don’t want to replay it, so my brain filters out their words so quickly.

In my case, it’s so hard for me to become transparent (I would say I am quite true to real friends, yes humans are multifaceted).
To prevent hearing bad things they say towards me,
from a young age I tried to speak as little as possible, and I lied almost every time. So of course, I can’t tell them any of my “not normal” experiences during these months as an exchange student. I would fake it sometimes, but most of the time I prefer to say nothing.

I feel bad when writing this. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but I don’t know why it triggers me at some point. Maybe I’m just too sensitive.

Don’t try to compare happiness between different places you’ve stayed, you’ll always feel misfortune. I’m more emotionally unstable in Hong Kong.

i feel like my teenage years are an insanely boring story.

很無聊，無聊得讓人發瘋。

focus on studying boring and outdated stuff for 6+ years, 0 real life experiences, only stayed in a same place, doing the same routine, with the same social circle. thanks for my school and home, i got fucking headaches and depression for 1.5 years and fucked up the public exam 🙂 didn’t want to eat anything not because i was lazy. while I didn’t know I was in serious bad mental health. I received almost 0 help during this period, because it was like completely normal. and when you seek help in this lovely place, you get labeled and everyone is told “she is weird she is psychotic! ” well I still cannot understand why can’t we choose not to disclose our psychological needs before 18. why is it supposedly safe to tell our parents about this? Teachers: well cuz we just wanna protect the kids. unfortunately from my perspective you just wanna protect your job and stay away from responsibility. but that’s the ridiculous rule haha. 

my brain filtered out some of the memories, it’s good for me to not to remember so much about it. when you get a holiday, it comes with numerous tutoring classes and homework. when you finally finished those things, the first thing you think about is study to prepare for the next exams, how ridiculous is that. there is no sunday or holiday for your life!! i remember how i calculated holidays in my teenage years, after 24 exams then i graduated from high school then i finally free!!! b4 that you need to keep working hard! sounds like a beautiful fairy tale, damn that was ridiculous asf. touch the real world plz!!

born in east asia is toxic, someone said “As long as you are raised by Asian parents, you will need to receive psychological treatment for the rest of your life.” i agree with that to some extent. it’s the environment shapes you, both social and economics, and it’s hard for you to gain a special insight into escaping the “reality”. even though it is bad, you have to stay here, that what “we” so called the “courage” and “resilience”. 

then I felt completely lost after the public exam. I went traveling for 3 times, there are some good memories. That night, “You made my day” opened Canada and the world to me. I will write about the whole story soon. 2 years have an answer and an ending. I did what I wanted. anyway it’s good for me that I insisted on going to Canada and got some real life experiences that i never thought about before.

I am not good at English, but it’s the language that’s easier for me to express myself. Maybe cuz I cannot use the most precise and accurate language to talk about my things. I feel more distance, and sometimes I don’t wanna analyse and disclose myself completely. I feel pain and unsafe quite often.

I want to learn skiing.

I want some cool adventures.

I want to do a working holiday.

I saw a post where a girl said she is doing a working holiday visa in New Zealand. She applied for a barista job to make coffee in a skiing village, for learning how to ski. Then after one season, she got her skiing instructor certificate.

Yes I want to do a working holiday next year. I want to take a gap year for travelling and experiencing the world. After 8 months of adventure, I found that it’s the experience that built myself, the way I walk through.

So what should I do before that?

Obviously choose an interesting country with snow hahaha. So many choices, preferably New Zealand, Austria, Sweden, or the Netherlands? cuz I wanna travel across Europe. I wanna go to Canada again, but I think it might be boring for adventure lol. Need to do more research tbh.

I want to remember my journey. I want it to be part of my story — something interesting and fun when I talk to anyone. So I need to write it all down to better integrate it. I’ll write a blog to remember my journey in detail, and also to prepare for the next one. Human memory is…

What should i do for this? 

I need to get a driving licence ASAP, so I should apply for driving school.

I’d better do 1–2 internships to maintain my competitiveness for my grad job.

I need to learn how to swim, not hard, just find a friend to teach me.

Find a stable source of income, learn how to be a digital nomad, and better continue my tutoring job (maybe it’ll be hard again like when I was in Canada). Also find a part-time job in Hong Kong, for income also for experiences, preferably in a cafe as a barista, I’ve wanted to try this for a long time.

Be a content creator? Make some reels or vlogs? Buy a new camera and lenses, and definitely need to sharpen my photography and video-making skills.

But anyway, a working holiday is definitely on my bucket list. After workaway in Canada, I believe it won’t be hard for me, I just need some planing and courage for a completely gap year. I plan to start at next year September.

Let’s get started 🙂

What made me feel happy and alive?

What did I love doing in Canada? 

Hi. 

I feel bad here.

Maybe because of the university, maybe because of jet lag. I feel the same depressed and headache before I left here. Busy is good but IDK what I am working for.

Working for nothing still better than staying here and do nothing. I would do something on my to-do list. I would pack my luggage and move in to dorms, write something about my travel, write postcards, tidy up my room, buy something online… also have dinner with club members in my dorms tonight. 

At least I didn’t feel headache when I was living in Canada. I miss the easy life there but I know I cannot always be so chill. Easy might bring boredom, and build a sense of attachment to certain things or person, which is not good for a long time. I felt happy, while the happiness might be hard to last long. 

For the above question, I would think about it seriously sometime… 

Good, I feel better after writing this.

Bello ohayo salut comment ca va everyone.

This is my first post.

Still sleepy asf because of jet lag. I didn’t sleep well since I came back 🙁

After 8 months of adventures and living in the other side of the world, the way I perceive the world is different. It’s impossible to go back to the life before. Trying to tidy up and organise some of my thoughts so I AM HERE right now.

I feel lost. I don’t know what should I study for in my university. I want something practical for my career, but also something meaningful. My major is boring and useless to me right now. I don’t enjoy my study except for French course. So maybe it’s better to take some chill courses that I can skip lectures. Maybe it’s better for me to learn things by reading and watching YouTube videos. Finding internships, getting a good GPA (well not very useful actually), that should be my responsibility right now. But I want more life experience for sure. Thinking about taking a gap year and going overseas again next year, maybe go to NZ or AUS for new experience. I know I cannot be so chill and follow my thoughts all the time. Maybe its one of the reason I feel a little bit of anxious and depressed here. Being busy can stop myself from overthinking, which makes me feel better. I am not happy but this is normal life. I hope the time passes by more easily and faster here. I don’t know why I have been in this mental state for a long time in Hong Kong before, maybe it’s just too hot, and I am melting :0 So everything will be fine I believe :))

I will figure it out. I need to figure it out.