Cooked

I am cooked. 

Bro, I just want to get a job not related to Education, but all my experiences are related to Education Lmao. 

Actually starting from year 1, I had a very high tendency to not want to get stuck in the Arts and Chinese major. Cuz I don’t really want to work in the same place again and again. I wanted to see the world and do something different, not stay in a school for my whole life. So yeah I kept doing things that I thought were useful for my future. I joined lots of events, mingled with people, improved my English until I could finally use it in daily life, did a 240-hour unpaid internship (bad), tried to major in a business-related subject but failed (I don’t like it, or maybe my mental state is bad I skipped classes), and also tried so hard to find a subject that I really liked （or maybe I don’t like studying). Questioning myself a lot. Going on an exchange was the biggest dream — the thought of escaping the toxic environment and finding the things I truly liked. So yeah, I did it, but I am returning to that depressing, high-pressure place now. But it’s better than having nothing to do and doom scrolling and foggy mental state every day. Still cannot find the right way tbh. I need to do something that I am okay with. Well that’s why I do Chinese. The result, the GPA proved to me I am good, but I don’t really like or enjoy it. 

I talk to different people a lot, and I really appreciate that they really like the things that they are doing, and want to dig deeper into them. And I only can say: I don’t like Chinese, I do it just to secure a job, but I don’t really like it, and the job is not really good at all. Booommmmm! Oftentimes I question my choices, because nothing in Chinese is useful for finding a job not related to education. For example, 0 projects, 0 experiences to write on a CV. And I don’t know what the fuck I learned through it, nothing practical, maybe 9up, well, maybe just a good grade, and the thoughts on life and some cool insights. A GOOD GPA means nothing, nothing, NOTHING. 

Yeah I learn more during travel, it’s more of a life experience. I am always grateful for the experiences. 

Thinking back, I should have sought help as soon as possible, found the right people, not just doom scrolling websites, believing what people say online. Seek real help, talk to the right people, use the school resources. And most importantly, choose the thing that you really want to do. Please don’t think so much about “what if…” just do it, and you will figure it out. Don’t compromise at your age. You can fall happily, and stand up with resilience at your age. 

Someone told me that you can change the education environment that you don’t like. Well maybe that’s too idealistic. I love to make changes and influence others through little actions. But maybe it’s better to put myself first, like figuring out what I truly want to achieve. And bro maybe you are living in a place where you have choices before you grow up as an adult. I basically had no choices here before I grew up as a uni student. But the primary time for developing yourself is gone. What’s inside me is fixed. I think I need to spend so much time healing myself from the hurt from my teenage years, and I don’t know what the fuck that hurt is. Not really healing tbh, just live with it. And I don’t think it’s possible to fix stupid human minds. 

So yes, talk about the story, I gave up. I just want to be happy, but what am I doing to make myself happy? I don’t know. What I know is, I want to explore the bigger world, not be stuck on campus. 

I feel like these few days I finally woke up, seeking help from professionals. (Only thankful that I helped with some events and I got the chance to meet the department people beforehand.) My mind is messy now. I know I need to work, the to-do list is long. But what’s inside me is questioning itself, feeling unsafe. I need to write to clarify and calm myself down. And after writing this, I know what I need to do now. I feel better. 

I miss the days when I was laying down on the slope covered in snow, looking at the Chateau de Frontenac. That’s the moment when my dreams came true, and I felt true freedom, and the true happiness, the reason I was in Quebec.

Yes, that was actually the healing trip. 

And nothing is really difficult to do.