越是遠離，越是不想想起，就越有反應。就像心底裡壓抑著某些想法。
想起了一些記憶，我的最後決定邏輯。很常用這個邏輯，如果到了某個時間某些事情再不怎麼樣，那就停止我的某種心態或行為。這是一種及時止損的方式。That’s my mechanism, but maybe it’s like control, it’s not good. I was trying to avoid situations with that. 也不想告訴一些未來的決定，不告訴就是不傷害自己。不想再見，想起時仍然不安，就是看不清因果吧。I still function normally but I have some thoughts and entanglements inside.
I had a nice chat with my Buddhism course tutor.
她說佛教最重要的是遠離貪、瞋、痴。
貪是貪念，就像貪愛，要求更多，like expectations in relationship. But what is over, what is the “clear”？貪念是不是一定是不好的東西？it depends on the purpose, who you are. Not to control, put it down.
癡並不是consciousness，consciousness 是被觸碰。而癡是有意識地明白事物因緣結合，事物更深層的地方。要用心，才可以放下執著與defilements，就能獲得「智慧」，明白「一切事物的道理」，Meditation is one of the method. 她說了很多，當刻我是理解的，但感覺超越了我能實踐的範圍，因此沒有記下太多。腦子太習慣過濾訊息。很深奧很值得思考，感覺是能理解卻未能應用的東西。
Headache, tired, but I have to mark 20+ papers before tomorrow. Have to work, but I want to write a little bit now. Writing does help me clarify my thoughts, a way to rest and feel better.
以前的痛苦無法排解，大概是沒有好好表達自己的想法吧。
當文字被當作純粹的工具的時候。
想起遙遠的地方，更像是夢一樣的，不存在現實的地方。
Assure. Promise. Defilements. Willingness is not convenience.
Convenience is not willingness. Why do humans create language that they cannot fulfill?
Ok wrote a lot, it’s time to mark the paper, or I cannot finish it today.
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